Announcements by Pilots and Flight Attendants
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture"
and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples
that have been heard or reported:
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On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it' something
we'd like to have."
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There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane"
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,
pick your favorite."
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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children... or other adults acting like children."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the fligh attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are
on this flight!"
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ...it was the asphalt."
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant asks you to remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the
runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand
at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
our airline.
" He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off
except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask
you a
question?
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can
light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
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